LAKEWOOD, Ohio — I’ve called this press conference today to address an issue that’s been affecting us all lately, and that is, of course, the rampant overuse of certain pandemic-related terms to describe this moment in our history.
The problem is real. Day after day, the same cliche lingo clogs our social media feeds, news segments, advertisements, and podcast introductions. Now, for the sake of us all, this simply has to stop.
That is why today, I am announcing a temporary ban on the following terms:
- “Now More Than Ever”
- “The New Normal”
- “Uncharted Territory”
- “These Trying Times”
That also includes the variations of the latter:
- “These Unprecedented Times”
- “These Challenging Times”
To be clear, I am by no means suggesting that the terminology being over-used is fundamentally incorrect. It’s not. These are, indeed, trying times. So very trying, in fact, that it literally no longer needs to be said.
It’s a pandemic. Unemployment is rampant. Toilet paper remains scarce. It’s snowing in May. And now it would seem that hornets, not a gentle insect to begin with, are attempting to murder us.
These times are “trying” to the extent that saying so has become a redundant and unnecessary waste of time and energy. It’s like beginning a statement by saying “Here come some words from me” or “I am a human-being that has mass”.
Both things are so true that it is genuinely needless to even express them.
So moving forward, please just take it as a given that we all agree that things have been better than they are right now.
And if you still insist on informing people that times are tough in case they have somehow remained out of the loop for the last several months, we request that you at least mix up your vocabulary a bit in order to take some of the pressure off of these weary terms.
For example, did you know that Merriam-Webster’s online thesaurus offers almost 40 alternatives to the word “trying” all of which mean very similar things and that we’re not sick of hearing yet. Maybe take a few of the following for a spin:
- “These demanding times”
- “These arduous times”
Or, my personal favorite:
- “These formidable times”
In closing, I’ll justt say that I recognize I have no formal authority to place sweeping, nationwide moratoriums on public language usage, nor do I have any way to enforce these measures. I can only ask that everyone takes it upon themselves to honor this ban for the sake of each other, and our collective sanity.
Because remember, “We’re all in this together.”
Wait, scratch that. I meant to ban that one too.
Let’s go with.
“We’re all in the same boat”.
That’s a little better.
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