CLEVELAND — A lot of people assume that I don’t like kids just because I don’t have any of my own, but that’s not true. Actually, I’m just self-aware enough to recognize my own personal limitations and shortcomings as a person, and because I DO like kids I would never subject them to my fatherhood.
I have nieces. And those are pretty good. You still get the familial connection and you get to watch them grow up and stuff but without all the heavy lifting. I help out with them when asked, and I do it both because I like them and because my Mom would yell at me if I didn’t and you don’t want to catch any Peggy Polk shade, it’s ruthless.
Regardless, when I do help out with my nieces I’m lauded as a self-sacrificing hero since they’re not even my kids. That’s a pretty good set up.
So I do like kids under optimal conditions.
That’s why I’ve always enjoyed handing out candy on Halloween. It is truly the perfect scenario for someone like myself who enjoys the presence of children but briefly and under favorable terms. It’s great for many reasons:
- The kids are polite to me because they want candy. No sass.
- Fun costumes. Better than typical, boring kid clothes.
- The kids are all in a good mood because they’re getting candy. No Sulky Sams or Mopey Matildas.
- The kids do something cute and then leave. They don’t stick around asking a bunch of questions or telling me about their day at school.
- I can drink on my porch and not have to worry about driving these kids anywhere.
- Great way to scope the neighborhood for single moms.
Long story short, I like the Trick or Treat ritual. Always have. So, like many people I was obviously concerned about how it was going to work this year, what with this lousy pandemic still doing its lousy pandemic thing.
It seems like most communities are plowing ahead with Trick or Treat despite the circumstances so I thought I’d take it upon myself to try and figure out the safest and most effective way to deliver the goodies to the ghoulies this year. Behold the fruits of my experimentation. And HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!