CLEVELAND — When I found out that Ohio’s favorite Halloween candy is apparently M&M’s I’m sure I felt the same way that many of you did: Surprised, chagrined, perhaps a bit melancholy.
Don’t get me wrong, M&M’s aren’t gross or anything, they’re fine. But that’s it. They’re fine, there’s just nothing remarkable about them.
I can tell you that I certainly wasn’t polled for this study, but if someone were to ask me which Halloween candies I personally prefer over M&M’s I guess my response would be MOST. Reese's Cups, Butterfingers, Snickers, Kit-Kat, Nestle Crunch, Twix, Reese's Pieces, Milky Ways, Sour Patch Kids, Nerds, Junior Mints, 100 Grands, and York Peppermint Patties, just to name a few.
This seems like a good time to use this platform for good to advocate against some of the worst candies that inconsiderate people hand out to innocent kids on Halloween. So let it be known that, moving forward, the following treats are all banned: NO MORE Mallo Cups, Circus Peanuts, Boston Baked Beans, Necco Wafers or Black Licorice. And that includes black licorice in all of its wicked forms, like Black Jacks or Good N Plentys where they try to disguise it. Knock it off.
I won’t veto candy corn entirely because I know it has its passionate advocates and I don’t need that kind of heat coming at my inbox, but can we agree that Candy Corn shouldn’t be handed out to kids on Halloween, it should just sit in a dish on your aunt’s coffee table so that those who wish to indulge can do so but it’s not forced upon anyone against their will? Good deal?
ALSO BANNED: White chocolate, Wax lips, Wax vampire teeth, those gross little wax bottles with warm sugar juice in them, in fact how about we just stop feeding kids wax in general? Seems like a good rule of thumb.
Smarties: AKA “Sugar Chalk”: Banned.
And finally, Tootsie Rolls, invented way back in 1907. Good run Tootsie Rolls but we’ve made some amazing advancements in candy technology over the last 114 years and I think it’s about time to call it a day. You’re pretty gross.
Take note everyone. And enjoy your M&M’s Ohio, you beautiful weirdos. Happy Halloween, folks.
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