CLEVELAND — Welcome, one and all to the 2023 Cleveland Browns Regular Season Awards! Where we pay honor to those who went above and beyond.
And before anyone says it, YES I am aware that it is now 2024, but the entirety of the Browns Regular Season took place in 2023, with the exception of the last game, which I don’t even recognize as having been a thing that happened, so this is more accurate. Let’s get started.
Best Celebratory Post-Play Choreography - The Entire Defensive Unit
You can’t just reward one player here, they function as an ensemble. Next!
Best Dad Energy Award - Joe Flacco
From his muted fashion choices, to his earnest goofiness, to his corny, dad-like greetings: Joey Flack’s dad mojo is off the charts. Next!
Least Shirted - David Njoku/Myles Garrett
And we have a two-way TIE! Both David Njoku and Myles Garrett took their shirtless levels to heights this year not seen in Cleveland since J.R. Smith was in town. So they share the honor. And for what’s it’s worth, Gentlemen, My Aunt Jean asked me to thank both of you for your service. Next!
*pictures redacted*
Most Fun-To-Say Browns Player Name - Sione Takitaki
For the 5th year in a row, Sione Takitaki! That’s…Sione Takitaki! Next!
Salt & Pepper Beard Most Worthy of Being Featured on “Just For Men” Packaging - Kevin Stefanski
Nice try Joe, but too inconsistent. It’s still Stefanski by a country mile. Look at that definition! Next!
Most Phil Dawson-Like, Since Real Phil Dawson, But Still Not Phil Dawson” Award - Dustin Hopkins
Dusty Hops did win us four games this year in the last minute. Now he just has to do that for about a dozen more seasons to approach that Dawson stratosphere. Good luck kid.
Most Facility Access Badges Activated and Deactivated in a Single Season - PJ Walker
...Next!
Best Use Of Buttocks to Secure a Completion - Elijah Moore
Boldest Off-Season Move by The Browns Organization
Entering a Branding Partnership with Dude Wipes. When your football team commits to what I can only assume is a very lucrative promotional deal with a Men’s Sanitary Wipes company, you REALLY better hope your season goes well.
Otherwise, the resulting jokes and memes would have been devastating for the entire city. But the Browns sales department believed our team, and they won. Next!
Most Fashionable Game Day Stadium Entrance Attire
Everyone really stepped it up the year, but no one can hold a candle to the resplendent, traditional Gah-Nay-Uhn attire that JOK often donned this season. He wins.
Best Browns Comeback Award (Team Category)
Down 17-7 in the fourth quarter, the Browns rally to beat the Bears at home.
Best Browns Comeback Award (Individual Category)
Now, I acknowledge there might be some source bias here, but, with apologies to Joe Flacco, it sure was a nice boost for everyone when our very own "Voice of the Browns" Jim Donovan came back, wasn’t it?
Here’s hoping we have more celebrating to do soon. Thanks, and congratulations to ALL the Browns Regular Season Awards Winners, especially YOU Sione TakiTaki!