CLEVELAND — By now, you have of course encountered those road signs that feature fun, quirky messages intended to promote driver safety, such as:
“Use Yah Blinkah.” “Don’t drive star-spangled hammered.” “Hocus pocus, drive with focus.”
Well, thanks to those killjoy federal regulators, your daily commute is about to become either a little less whimsical, or a little less confusing, depending on your ability to process dad jokes quickly.
The US Federal Highway Administration AKA the US Federal Humorless Administration, BOOM, is outlawing the use of jokes and pop-culture references in overhead electronic signs.
The new mirth restrictions were laid out in an 1,100-page manual that just dropped, updating national policies regarding America’s signs and traffic-control devices, and let me tell ya, if you’re looking for a breezy beach read, this one’s a real page turner.
The agency says that humorous messages can be misunderstood or distracting to drivers and that signs should be “simple, direct, brief, legible and clear”
Of course, the foremost question is, “Is this actually a problem that needs to be addressed?”
If someone sees a movie reference that they aren’t familiar with on a road sign, does their pop cultural ignorance truly endanger them?
For example, let’s take this sign that says "Solo down, Leia off the gas."
Assuming that someone is somehow oblivious to the Star Wars franchise and incapable of processing what this means, couldn’t they just ignore it?
Have there been many documented cases of someone seeing a sign like this, completely misinterpreting the meaning and assuming that they are being instructed to speed up, take off their seatbelt and crack open a Coors Light?
These zany signs are really only being utilized to emphasize the same very basic safety advice that we’re already familiar with:
Don’t drive fast, stoned or drunk, get off your phone and wear your seatbelt. That’s really about it.
So are these roadside puns actually endangering the lives of humorless people, and is this really a problem that requires federal involvement?
And if funny signs are indeed, a legitimate safety concern, why don’t these new regulations kick in until 2026? Where’s the sense of urgency? That’s two more years of potential exposure to dangerous, confounding signs like these, sowing confusion and chaos on our nation’s highways and apparently jeopardizing our very lives.
For some clarification, I spoke with Ohio Department of Transportation spokesperson Matt Bruning.
Bruning said that the feedback he’s received from Ohioans about ODOT’s zany signage has been overwhelmingly positive. And let’s face it, Ohio’s goofy uncles and cornball aunts are really going to miss these things.
My Proposed Solution
How about a two tiered sign system? The top sign is ALL BUSINESS. The bottom one expresses the same info. but maintains the cheesy humor that some motorists have come to love.
That way, if you’re a slow reader or a humorless person, you’ll receive the most pertinent information straight across the plate, with no confusion. And then you can just stop reading, rather than risk becoming so flummoxed that you’re forced to pull over for a while to regather yourself.
And then those people who DON’T struggle with humor comprehension can continue down to the lower sign that featuring the playful roadside whimsy they desire.
Will doubling up on all roadsigns cost the taxpayer a little more out of the gate? Yes. But we’ve certainly wasted money on dumber things in this state, and can we really put a price on the happiness, that signs like these bring to a very specific demographic of our society?
But I know that’s just a pipe dream. Whether we like it or not, the salad days of wacky roadside messages are coming to a close. All we can do now is try to enjoy the brief 2 years we have left with them, and cherish them while we can.
Also, just wear your seatbelt. You shouldn’t need a quote from the movie Anchorman to remember that. Get your act together. And stay safe out there, Ohio.