CLEVELAND — Throughout this entire week, fully grown adults (many of whom I would assume have careers and children) have been arguing about Brownie the Elf's midfield debut.
Some are condemning it, some are defending it, some seem to be stuck in the weeds arguing about what particular genus of mythical species from folklore Brownie actually is.
Regardless, thanks to the voting Browns public, Brownie The Elf is now adorning our midfield, and believe it or not, folks online have some strong opinions on this. Some genuinely love the elf and the history behind it; some people are like me in that they could not possibly care less what logo is at midfield as long as Myles Garrett manages to throw Joe Flacco down on top of it repeatedly.
And then, of course, you have the reliable contingent of people who are somehow genuinely upset by this development, primarily because they consider the elf mascot to be quite lame and incapable of intimidating our rivals.
Which seems a bit silly. If your team is even remotely dependent upon the graphic design of your mascot and logos to frighten your opponents, you've got larger problems on your hands. Do you really think Aaron Donald has ever been reluctant to come out of the locker room when the Rams are playing Seattle because he's too scared of the big cartoon Seahawk on the field? These are monstrous NFL players; they don't care about our logos.
That said, for you hyper-masculine Browns fans complaining about how Brownie the Elf isn't capable of being intimidating, I'll try to alleviate your concerns.
First of all, as previously stated, Brownie is NOT a Brownie, but an elf. In folklore, Brownies are indeed gentle and helpful creatures who hang around your house at night and help out — cobbling shoes, untangling knots, sweeping floors and whatnot.
But that's not what this guy is. It's right there in the name: He's an elf, and elves can indeed be scary.
According to legends, angry elves were always doing jerk stuff like causing cows' milk to go sour or poisoning people or stealing their livestock or even their babies, much of which I don't necessarily condone. But the point is, if you lived in ancient Scotland, you did not want to get on an elf's bad side.
More directly, even if we don't have the scariest mascot in the NFL, we're also not the LEAST intimidating. In fact, I've determined that there are five teams that have far less terrifying mascots than we do.
Maybe this will make you feel better.
No. 1, the Steelers. I don’t like the Steelers, but you can't say they haven't been a scary team for us in recent history, and that's despite the fact that their logo is just a mill worker. That's a tough job, but I'm not scared of a Mill Worker. They can't even magically make my milk go bad.
Similar deal in Green Bay. They're literally named after meat packers. Again, a noble profession, to be sure, but I can't be afraid of the guy who shaves my turkey cold cuts at Giant Eagle, I'm sorry.
The Texans! This is a team named after the people who live in the state. That might be even lazier than our helmet logo. I'm not saying that there are NO intimidating people from Texas; I'm saying that not ALL Texans scare me. The Jonas Brothers, for example. I'm not scared of them.
I’m not scared of the San Francisco 49ers because I refuse to be afraid of old-timey gold prospectors.
Finally, we will never, ever have the lamest mascot, because we are not the Dolphins.
To be clear, I LOVE dolphins. They're adorable, they're intelligent, they squeak. Vacationing newlyweds can get into a pool and swim alongside them as a form of bonding and therapy. They had their own TV show! (Flipper clip)
All great stuff; not remotely intimidating.