CLEVELAND — Good evening, boys and ghouls of the Greater Cleveland area. In the spirit of the season, it is my distinct pleasure to welcome you to the official "Cleveland Browns Fan House of Horrors."
To be sure, all things considered, the Browns are playing scarily well, despite the many bedeviling circumstances that have befallen them. But these horrors are, nonetheless, very real.
Here are but A FEW of the torments that await you, should you be so bold as to enter THE BROWNS FAN HOUSE OF HORRORS!
As you enter, you will first be confronted by the chilling spectacle that is P.J. Walker’s stat line so far this season:
- 49.5 completion percentage
- 1 touchdown, 5 interceptions, 2 fumbles
- 51.8 passer rating
- 22.8 QBR
Muahahaha!
From there, you'll move on to our next room: a display of the free agent quarterbacks currently available for the Browns to sign. Can I interest anyone in... Cooooolllt McCoooooyyy??
Muahahaha!
Still not scared? Well then, please proceed to the next room where you’ll find… Kevin Stefanski calling a play on third down in the red zone! Whatever will he do? Probably not a good thing!
In the next room, you’ll find a huge display of THE AFC NORTH STANDINGS, where everyone is good and the Steelers currently hold the tiebreaker over us, because we somehow lost to... tiny-hand KENNY PICKETT!
You’ll then enter the next room to discover MYLES GARRETT arriving at your house as your Uber Driver!
You know, they're not all home runs. Moving on!
In the next corridor, we are confronted by this chilling image of what the Browns receiving corps would look like WITHOUT AMARI COOPER! Oh no! That is some THIN Gruel! Muahahaha!
Next, we enter a room in which the Haslams are holding an impromptu press conference that they've just called. What could they possibly be announcing? Did they just re-sign Manziel? Are they moving the team to Stow? It remains to be seen, but you know it's not good!
From there, be ye bold of heart, you will move to our next room, where you will find DAVID NJOKU purchasing a turkey deep Fryer at COSTCO! Whatever could go wrong? I’m sure he'll follow the instructions! Right?! Muahahaha!
And that’s just a small sampling of the horrors that await you, should you be so bold as to visit… the Cleveland Browns Fan House of Horrors!!