CLEVELAND — You guys, it’s really happening.
After weeks of speculation about a burgeoning love connection between Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, the internet’s ultimate fantasy fan fiction was realized last night, when Ms. Swift attended the Cleveland Heights native's Big Time Sporting Match at Arrowhead Stadium. The official spokesperson and vibe-maker for America's women watched the game from Kelce’s personal suite, where she could be seen cheering on the perennial Pro Bowler while seated next to her future mother-in-law, Donna Kelce.
After the victorious contest, Ms. Swift was seen departing the game with Mr. Kelce, in spite of his outfit, and though we have no further info regarding where the night went from there, we do have plenty of reckless speculation, and that's good enough for me.
So whether we decide to call them "TRAV-LOR," "TAY-VIS," or "SW-ELCE," buckle up. The new Omega Power Couple has arrived.
And here’s why this is important to you, Cleveland: When two beautiful rich people start courting each other, America gets really excited. But when one of those people was born and raised in our very own town, it's no longer just "shameless celebrity pop news"; it's a potentially vital economic opportunity for our beloved, hardscrabble city.
See, Cleveland is rich in many things, but one of them is not rich people. Oh sure, we have some, but there's just no such thing as having too many philanthropist billionaires contributing to our shallow tax base.
So I think moving forward, goal No. 1 should be getting these two lovebirds to build their nest here in town, and I like our odds! I'm sure Travis wants to come home when it's all said and done, so once they've sowed their world oats and finished their remarkable careers, it just makes sense for them to come back and settle here in Cleveland — aka "Real America" — where they can enjoy a small town lifestyle in a world class city.
I've already been doing some legwork to try and encourage them to settle here. For example, I've been doing some house-hunting. I figure that, like most newlyweds, they'll probably want to rent at first rather than buy, and I found a couple of spots that I think might suit their needs.
I know the Kelces are Cleveland Heights people, so I tried to keep them on the east side for familiarity. The first one I found is a nice little duplex on Buckeye. It's a two bedroom, one bath, and they would have the downstairs unit. I checked, and there is a washer and dryer ,and both rental units have access to it, which is nice.
If they're not feeling that one, I also found a pretty nice single unit in Euclid. The rent is a little steeper, but I think you guys are going to love the basement and all the room. I figure Taylor can keep all of her instruments and recording stuff down there and Travis could maybe keep his weight bench down there, as well. Trophies and stuff, so a lot of opportunity with this place.
Hey, speaking of Euclid — Taylor, did you know that Euclid, Ohio, is home to the National Cleveland Style Polka Hall of Fame? It's true. So, for a music aficionado like you, wouldn't it be amazing to live and pay excessive taxes not only in the same town as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but also right down the street from the Polka HOF? I took the liberty of calling them to let them know that you're most likely moving here, and the representative at the Polka Hall was very accommodating and said they'd be happy to provide both you and Travis with free lifetime memberships, and that includes 25% off at the Frankie Yankovic Memorial Gift Shop.
So, that's my pitch to the future Mr. and Mrs. Swift-Kelce. Remember, every good fairy tale ends with a "Happily Ever After," and that "Happily Ever After" has to take place somewhere. Why not in a tasteful three-bedroom brick home with easy access to Lakeshore Boulevard?
We'll leave the light on for you, kids. I'm thrilled for both of you. Be good to each other.