CLEVELAND — This week, Cleveland Browns owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam said they're exploring the idea of moving the team to Brook Park, and they reject the very notion that the threat to leave downtown might be a negotiating tactic intended to help secure the billion dollars in public funding the team is seeking to renovate the current venue. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
But they say that "timing is everything," and if I were a betting man, I'd wager that when the Haslams said that on Monday, they were not aware that on Tuesday, the Cavaliers and their team owner would be unveiling renderings of the club's new world-class training facility. It's a massive complex they say will be a boon for the city, and it will be entirely privately funded by Dan Gilbert's company in partnership with Cleveland Clinic.
And you know the Haslams were like, "Hey, Dan! We're trying to negotiate here. You couldn't have waited a week or two before publicly reminding everyone that billionaire sports team owners are capable of financing their own infrastructure? Not cool!"
The Cleveland Clinic Global Peak Performance Center (which is already in desperate need of a concise nickname) will be a 210,000-square-foot facility located in the shadow of Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, with the intention of serving both the Cavs and the public on multiple wellness fronts. And while I don't really know what that means, I'm on board, because I'm all for development of my downtown that I don't personally have to pay for.
And just look at all of these cool, futuristic renderings of what the facility is supposed to look like when it's done. Aren't they lovely?
PHOTOS: Cleveland Cavaliers, Bedrock unveil renderings of Cleveland Clinic Global Peak Performance Center
Of course, pre-project illustrations like these do have a tendency to portray the eventual outcome in the most favorable light, but sometimes they can go a bit too far and it can become distracting.
Now, we all love our lakefront, but look how pristine these renderings are! Very unrealistic. Not one out-of-place thing in the water? Don't insult us. You have to include at least a few empty White Claw cans in there.
And you know what else is missing here? Seagulls. Don't act like there aren't always a million seagulls. They live among us. Let's not try to erase their history.
What else is missing? Traffic barrels and parking meters. We don't just get to pretend that things aren't what they are.
How about the one with a couple taking a nice walk downtown? Why doesn't that look right? Well, first of all, there's usually something weird and mysterious in the middle of the sidewalk downtown, like an old suitcase or something. No one knows the story and you just ignore it because you obviously don't want to know what's in it, but it's there.
Also, are you telling me there's not going to be any advertising on the venue whatsoever? Dan's just going to leave that money on the table? Unlikely.
And while we're at it, let's talk about all of these gorgeous Cleveland skies that they're pretending we have all year long. No way.
In summation, I understand that the purpose of these sorts of proposals is to get people hyped by portraying the potential results in the most favorable light possible. So if illustrating downtown Cleveland to make it look like Crocker Park helps to get this project across the finish line, so be it.
But just remember that even when this impressive project is completed and you come downtown to check it out, the parking won't be free, and the seagulls will be present.