CLEVELAND — At a jovial ceremony held in Marion, Ohio, much too early this morning, the state's official weather forecasting groundhog Buckeye Chuck DID NOT see his shadow, thereby predicting that spring is just around the corner.
I had the opportunity to meet with Chuck prior to the event, to wish him good luck and express my admiration for our state's resident weather-predicting rodent.
Chuck's prediction today was in agreement with that of the far more renowned groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, for whatever that's worth. But candidly, I consider Buckeye Chuck to be the far superior symbol for this intensely strange American holiday.
And that's not just home state bias. I think many of the other weather-predicting woodchucks scattered all across this majestic country impress me more than that overhyped dirt diva Phil, who receives a disproportionate amount of attention.
Where's the national media love for Chattanooga Chuck out of Tennessee, or French Creek Freddie from West Virginia? There's also Jersey's own Milltown Mel, and of course Georgia's legendary General Beauregard Lee (whom, despite his name, has not yet been GROUNDHOG CANCELLED!).
I consider all of these soothsaying whistlepigs far superior to that overexposed Gobbler's Knob glory hog Phillip, because while it's true that Punxsutawney remains the Mecca for annual groundhog heads, it's based almost entirely on legacy and branding — not on fan experience, and most certainly not accuracy.
When it comes to predicting the weather, Phil is straight trash. In fact, a federal agency took a look at his record last year and determined he has an accuracy rate of about 30%. Is he even trying?
Now, compare that to Ohio's own hog, who according to Buckeye Chuck Day emcee Eric Mosely has a much better track record: approximately 75%.
Whether you consider it luck or science, you can’t deny that Chuck's weather predictions have been almost "Kling-esque" in their accuracy, whereas you'd literally be better off flipping a coin to guess the weather than you would be listening to this Pennsylvania charlatan.
Despite this, Buckeye Chuck seems to harbor no animosity towards any of his rivals, and in addition to being better than Phil at his only job, Chuck is also much more accessible to his fans. Outside of Groundhog Day, you can catch him at home in Northeast Ohio doing educational presentations at his home at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.
Want to share a moment with Mr. Punxsutawney Big Shot? All you have to do is muscle your way through a crowd of 30,000 weirdos and then get past his old-timey, top-hatted goon squad to say hi.
And if you can't get close enough, just go to the website Cameo, where you can purchase a personal message from that grifting whistlepig for a mere $199. For comparison, I could get a message from either Tommy Chong or Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" for $150, and those are people!
On the other hand, if you want to hang out with the far more down to earth Buckeye Chuck, you can just come and visit him here at the museum, where he's often available for mingling and meet-and-greets.