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Mike Polk Jr.'s guide to at-home haircuts

A how-to guide to trimming your own locks during quarantine.

CLEVELAND — It’s hard to complain about minor inconveniences right now, and that’s a shame. Because between that and baseball we’re currently being robbed of America’s two most cherished national pastimes. 

With all of the stories and photos of heroic medical professionals putting themselves in danger while working 18 hour shifts, it’s difficult not to sound like a jerk if you say things like: “When do you guys think they’ll open the batting cages back up?” or “Boy, I could really use a haircut”.

See? Hard to muster any sympathy for those complaints right now.

But one can have a proper perspective and sense of proportion and still be vexed by the temporary hindrances to our established routines that we are all presently enduring.

And that includes getting your haircut. As it turns out, getting a sweet fade from a professional is not regarded as an “essential service” and therefore all of the salons and barbershops are closed.

But as both this shutdown and our hair grows vexingly longer, we’re forced to face some difficult choices.

Should we try to take a swing at resolving this issue ourselves or do we just let our hair do its thing until all of this is over, like the unruly lawn of a long-vacant home?

With each daily work zoom meeting you see yourself transitioning more and more into someone who looks like they’ve been shipwrecked alone on an island long enough that the mainland cancelled the search.

It might be time to attempt to cut your own hair.

Don’t be scared. Lots of people are doing it, and it’s not as traumatizing as you think.

I set up shop today to offer a brief tutorial on giving yourself the salon treatment at home.

Tune into WKYC all next to make sure you don’t miss my course on home body-waxing. It’s all part of my “Proper-Pampering With Polk”* series.

*not really a thing

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