PARMA, Ohio — What happened in Parma on Saturday morning is not just a very poorly-executed crime, it’s an assault on a civic identity.
Plastic pink flamingo yard decorations were a hot piece of lawn decor around these parts back in the 1960’s, nowhere more so than Parma.
Famous local horror host Ghoulardi took notice and lampooned the suburban phenomenon, forever linking the kitschy lawn ornament with the sprawling suburb and making Parma “Flamingo Town USA.”
The quirky symbol was largely embraced by the Parma community, as proven by the decision to erect a 7-foot pink flamingo statue that, until recently, stood proudly in the heart of town. But today, he stands no more. His big flamingo footprints are all that remain.
He was the victim of a recent brazen and very poorly conceived abduction attempt that has left both the flamingo statue and this close-knit Parma community, broken.
Surveillance video footage captured by a resident shows what could either be three ornery teenagers or three really tragic adults arriving in a dark-colored car, and then failing spectacularly at absconding with uncooperative landmark.
Why these masterminds believed they’d be able to fit a rigid, seven foot statue into the trunk of a compact sedan remains to be seen, but after being successfully thwarted by basic spatial reality, they skulked off into the night, having only managed to capture one flamingo foot.
But as far the commenters on the Parma Neighborhood Watch Facebook page are concerned, that’s one foot too many.
These people are livid and they’re determined to bring these no good, unidentified Flamingoons to justice.
So if you, or someone you love, has any information regarding the attempted Parma flamingo abduction, please call the Parma Police Department’s non-emergency line at 440-885-1234.
Until this heinous crime is solved, all we can do is stay vigilant, support each other, and do whatever can to help during these difficult times.